


Mistletoe Miseries

by valendoie



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Feels, Christmas, Doyoung is just reminiscing, Exes, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Jaehyun's a little bitch who represses emotions, Just pure pain and memories, M/M, Mysterious reasons for their breakup, Oneshot, Uhhh there's really not much plot, jaehyun is a jerk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:55:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29587557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valendoie/pseuds/valendoie
Summary: The ache in his chest, the barbed wires around his heart - they’re all him. They’re all Jung Jaehyun.But stupid, silly hope spurs him on to show up at his doorway anyways.(Or, Doyoung has to pretend like nothing's wrong and revelations send him spiraling)
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Comments: 1
Kudos: 33





	Mistletoe Miseries

**Author's Note:**

> this is not very plot heavy, just a random lil thing i wrote when i was sad in december.  
> i recommend listening to hallway weather by niki, or any sad track off the evermore album  
> enjoy!
> 
> ++ not at all beta read and edited during very sleepy lapses of time, excuse mistakes or plot holes oop

_ Can we pretend for the weekend?  _

_ Like nothing’s gone wrong.  _

A request that feels far too heavy for Doyoung’s heart to handle. But spending Christmas alone in such a big city feels far too lonely to tolerate, and he would like to feel a hair less tragic for the remnants of winter. Regret fills his veins the moment he utters the word “Yes” . Blue bleeds into his skies of grey, but he ignores the warning signs in his mind telling him to take his words back before it’s too late. Before he slides his heart onto his sleeve and has it ending up at the mercy of a particular pair of honey-brown eyes. 

He doesn’t take them back though. And it’s all because of the ulterior motives swimming in his mind. There is a shred of anticipation in him behind the curtains of dread ; an inkling of hope. 

Stupid, silly, hope. The feeling spurs him on and he finds himself on an all too familiar doorstep that Saturday. 

The late-December air nips the skin of his cheeks, he licks his chapped lips and hopes one bottle of wine will make up for the lack of gifts for the entire family. The windows are all frosted up, snow mixed with gravel crunching under his boots. The colourful lights and strings of tinsel cause the weight in his heart to lift ever so slightly. This time of the year has always been his favourite. 

Doyoung finally brings a tentative hand to the door and raps against it.

The gravity of his situation only dawns on him then. 

There he is, standing in front of him. Looking the same as he did a month ago. 

The ache in his chest, the barbed wires around his heart - they’re all him. They’re all Jung Jaehyun. 

How can Doyoung even begin to describe what sort of a man he is. Jaehyun never really fit into one solid stereotype. Instead, he’s always been like water - transforming and taking many forms. Doyoung’s been there to witness most of them, from the highschool jockey Jaehyun to the naive college student he’d fallen in love with and finally the cold corporate man who broke his heart.

_ I wonder if he’s changed again. _

_ I wonder if he misses me now. _

“Come in.” The velveteen baritone voice pops the bubble of inner musings Doyoung finds himself indulging in. He narrowly misses a glimmer of emotion in Jaehyun’s eyes and instead catches his gaze only when it dulls down into nothing. 

“I could only manage to bring wine, I hope that’s-,” 

“It’s fine.”

Still the same.

The ghost of a frown makes its way onto Doyoung’s face and the tiniest signs of being upset begin to show on his expression and body language. His shoulders tense and jaws clench, hands balling into fists while he wills himself to reign in his emotions. 

“Close the door behind you, it’s cold and keep your coat away anywhe-,”

“Ouch.” A hiss escapes Doyoung’s lips.

Jaehyun turns, only to find that Doyoung’s gotten his scarf stuck onto the door handle. “You go on ahead. I won’t be long,” He tucks his hands behind him and tries to free himself to no avail. Jaehyun lets out a sigh. No matter how much Doyoung tries to play it off cool, Jaehyun knows better. Given their many years together and the habits Jaehyun assumes will stick with him forever, it isn’t difficult to memorise how Doyoung functions. And with the way he currently chews on his bottom lip, Jaehyun’s certain that he’s worried. No matter how awkward things are or how much distance he wishes to put in between them, Jaehyun doesn’t have it in his heart to leave the boy alone. 

In quick strides, he approaches Doyoung and stands right in front of him. Their proximity is enough for Doyoung to take in his scent, and a part of him is relieved that it’s the same comforting fragrance he remembers. It’s short-lived though. The reminder that the comfort is vain is quick to ring in his mind. 

“Quit being so clumsy.” Jaehyun mutters while effortlessly undoing the woollen material from the cold metal. Against his will, a flustered flush graces Doyoung’s cheeks. He can’t help his mind from flitting to old memories of all the times Jaehyun said those exact words to him. They were imprinted into his mind in the warmest of sepias - the recollections of the accompanying laughter and teasing. 

“Thank you.” His voice is barely above a whisper.

Jaehyun steps away from him as fast as he can. “No need.” 

Momentarily, his coldness sparks a sharp twinge of annoyance in Doyoung. It isn’t usually his thing, but he wants to snap at him. For somebody who needs this to go well so badly, he sure is making it difficult for Doyoung to pretend like everything’s alright.

Regret stirs within him, and Doyoung is more unsure than ever of how the evening will play out. 

-

Jaehyun holds his hand in the living room in front of his parents and siblings while Doyoung wonders where he’s learned how to act so well. And although the smile painted onto his face is half genuine because of the warm atmosphere, he feels like his own facade is commendable as well. 

He sheepishly presents the bottle of wine to them, apologizing for not bringing gifts after making up an excuse on the spot to back him up. 

The hugs he is greeted with serve as a silver lining to the situation and he reckons it’s better than being greeted by an empty home on Christmas eve. 

The people surrounding him feel like family. And lying to them about something as big as his relationship with Jaehyun, doesn’t sit well with Doyoung. He feels horrible, but has to mask it anyways for the sake of not letting the cat out of the bag so soon.

Jeno tugs him into decorating the Christmas tree with him and after putting up the lights and ornaments, he’s dragged away to the kitchen by Sungchan before he has any time to admire his creation. He shows off his gingerbread house and Doyoung showers him with compliments, admiring the messily placed gumdrops and adorable people made of cookies. “Make the hot chocolate you make us every year! Look I got the mini marshmallows you always use.” 

Jaehyun leans against the doorway and watches the way his family fawn over his former lover. Having Doyoung here for Christmas has become a habit for them, he belongs here. The thought makes indescribable melancholy swell within Jaehyun but before anybody can notice, he veils the look in his eyes and escapes from Doyoung’s vicinity. 

After giving into everybody’s requests and running around to help out with dinner, Doyoung is absolutely spent. He crashes onto the couch and simmers in silence and his thoughts. It isn’t long before the ghosts of the past grip onto him and he can already vividly envision all the memories playing out in his mind of things that have happened in this exact room. All the years spent reveling in Jaehyun’s little touches which wiped away the exhaustions of the day. Memories of heart-warming gifts and mistletoe kisses, of sharing hot cocoa together by the frosty windows when nobody was awake. 

Doyoung can hardly believe things aren’t the same anymore. 

“No, dad, I’m sure Doyoung’s exhausted,” He hears a frustrated voice nearing the room. It makes him straighten up on the couch and Jaehyun’s father enters the room, greeting Doyoung with a smile. 

“No excuses, we do this every year!” He fishes a handkerchief from his pant pocket and walks over to the grand piano. After raising the cover and wiping the keys, he stares at Doyoung expectantly, “C’mon. This old man needs some practice too.”

How could he ever say no? 

Lifting himself up from the couch, he dusts his pants and makes his way towards the source of his woes. Their hands fit into each other’s perfectly like two pieces of the same puzzle. Who would’ve known such signs of “meant-to-be”s would just end up being fate’s factory defects. 

Jaehyun gazes down at Doyoung when they begin to sway to the tune. The sight in front of him is one he’s seen one too many times, but he’ll never get tired of it. The constant red flush from his cold-nipped cheeks, the dapples of gold light hitting his skin, the eyes that seem to hold auroras in them. There’s warmth burrowed into every inch and crevice of the scene. 

Doyoung finds himself getting caught up in the moment too, pressing his cheek against Jaehyun’s chest to feel the calming thrum of his heart for perhaps the last time.

“Our favourite song.” 

“Your favourite song. I don’t like it anymore.”

_ Right, you’ve changed. _

The words make Doyoung stiffen, and it feels as though he’s been pushed into a pool of his own misery. And Jaehyun can only hope Doyoung doesn’t catch the quiver in his voice with which the lie leaves his lips. 

“Well, what do you like now?” 

“I don’t have time to think about silly things like that.” 

Doyoung can’t help the venom on the tip of his tongue when he speaks again, “Since when did you decide to have no personality at all?” The words feel horrible after they leave his lips. Doyoung isn’t one to usually treat people with such rude conviction, but something about the person Jaehyun is today makes the frustrations welled up within him burst.

Jaehyun, on the other hand, is tongue tied. He tries to justify his silence by thinking that limiting his words is a means of limiting the need to lie, which is good for his morality. But truth be told, a part of him knows it’s because he is aware that the words are well deserved. 

The conversation is a sharp warning to Jaehyun, reminding him that he can’t let his emotions get the best of him.

What a fool would he be, to let the beauty of a man coax him out of his best thought decisions.

-

Dinner is an absolute feast, just like Doyoung remembers. But even the lively chatter serving as a distraction isn’t enough to stop his mind from wandering. He finds himself reminiscing of moments in this exact dining room, days when he thought he’d found the one. 

Jaehyun sits across from him, just as he always has. Doyoung’s gaze darts to him in discretion whenever he’s not looking, and he admires the man who is so close but seems so far away. A candlelight glow paints Jaehyun with warmth, his long eyelashes fall against his cheeks which are dusted with constellations of freckles.

“Doyoung?”

He jolts out of his thoughts and it is only then that he realizes he’s been caught staring. Jaehyun peers at him, frozen in place with his fork still lingering in the air. No matter how much he tries, Doyoung can’t gauge the look in his eyes. His parents regard them with adoration and his siblings watch them with a teasing glimmer in their eyes. Doyoung squirms underneath all the gazes and an involuntary blush spreads across his cheeks. He clears his throat and dabs at the corners of his mouth with a napkin in hopes of covering his bashful expression. 

“Sorry, I zoned out,” The apology leaves his lips when he’s composed himself, “You were saying?” 

“I was talking about how much we miss having you around,” Jaehyun’s mother tucks her cheek into her palm and fondly stares at Doyoung, “Are you busy with work or has this one been keeping you from us?” 

Sungchan pushes around the broccoli on his plate and absentmindedly says, “I thought he got rejected, it was right around the time he was going to propose.” 

Doyoung’s world reels at the words. Somewhere in the background, he can hear the sharp clang of a utensil hitting a plate, but he can’t bring himself to care for anything happening in his surroundings.

Jaehyun was going to propose. And instead of the said proposal, all Doyoung received was sleepless nights and unanswered calls. The “We should break up” text and Jaehyun disappearing from his life without a trace was only a cherry on top. For a moment he wishes it were something else in the world that made them grow apart. Anything. Even if there was another person, Doyoung’s heart would be at rest. But what is he to make of this information? That the person who loved him enough to consider marriage, suddenly decided he didn’t. What cruel joke was fate playing on him? To grant him heartbreak but no closure. He’d only gotten over it too. He has no intention of becoming the mess he was after they’d separated. He didn’t want to feel the desire to grip onto Jaehyun again. His mind replays all the bitter days. All the nights spent barely getting a wink of sleep, all the time spent adjusting to the sudden disappearance of warmth. All the moments he’d sent drunken e-mails filled with nonsensical analogies. He still remembers the first one as clear as day.

_ Dear Jaehyun _ , it began . 

_ Fuck you. I hope you’re reborn as a toad in your next life. I know how much you hate them. But then again, there’s no way of telling that what happened to us wasn’t a consequence of my own karma. _

_ If it was, I must’ve committed treason at some point. Or I must’ve broken a mirror and walked under a ladder and stepped on a crack on the pavement all at the same time to have gotten such bad luck.  _

_ Because nobody deserves to feel this way, I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I wouldn’t wish it on you.  _

_ "It" isn't one cohesive thing destroying my life. Instead it's like many tiny needles prickling me on a daily basis. _

_ It’s making promises to myself of not thinking about you, but then wondering what you’re doing at 3am in the morning when I can’t fall asleep. It’s avoiding the most trivial things and places just because they remind me of you. It’s the lack of warmth everywhere I go - when crossing the road, when sitting on the bus, while eating. You’re the first thought when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep. But why? Why am I the only one chained to you like this while you’re roaming free.  _

_ Why am I the only one void of colours, seeing grey? Why’d you rob me of the rose coloured lenses I used to see life through? Toads have the ability to see colours in the darkness wherein humans can’t see shit so maybe I should hope I’m reborn as a toad. I know how much you hate them. It’s only fitting.  _

_ Yours with the hatred of a thousand blazing suns, _

_ Doyoung. _

There was no reply and to this day Doyoung wonders why. 

Why was he the one grieving for what they’d both lost? Why was there no eulogy from Jaehyun in commemoration of the end of something so great?

Doyoung is so immersed in all the feelings that tug his heart, he doesn’t realize the tears welling in his eyes ; only feeling the dampness on his cheeks when they flow like a broken dam. The entire table falls silent and stares at him. There’s looks of confusion mixed with Sungchan’s expression of regret and Jaehyun’s seething glare in his direction for revealing what he wished would stay a secret from Doyoung forever. 

All the bandaids Doyoung had plastered onto his heart feel as though they’re being ripped away one by one, and his head turns sharply towards Jaehyun. The other boy’s eyes soften and he wants to say something -  _ anything _ to make things better, but his words fail him. 

“I need,” He inhales deeply, trying to reel in the sobs, “I need air.” There’s a sad desperation laced with his words and Doyoung wastes no time in throwing his napkin down and rising from his seat. He rushes out of the house with haste, barely managing to throw on his coat through his teary vision. 

Curious eyes fall onto Jaehyun’s distressed form after Doyoung’s exit, but he has no time to explain everything. His chair screeches behind him while he runs after the boy.

A cold gust of wind greets him upon opening the door, and he can see Doyoung’s figure in the distance. Jaehyun follows the footsteps in the snow and when he gets closer to the other boy he can see the shake of his shoulders. He swears the sight breaks his heart.

“Stop!” 

Doyoung halts in front of a lamp post with a mistletoe hanging on it, and the sight of him makes his sobs grow louder. 

“Let me explain.” There’s an angry sniffle in response to Jaehyun’s words and Doyoung makes a sharp turn on his spot. 

“What can you explain?” Doyoung blubbers, pointing an accusing finger at Jaehyun. He wipes at the tears on his cheeks with the back of his sleeve. He hates the fact that Jaehyun is seeing him in such a vulnerable light, but he can’t help his sorrows from bursting at their seams. 

Jaehyun takes quick strides towards Doyoung and cradles him in his chest. He cups Doyoung’s cheek and tilts his face upwards, wiping at his damp cheeks with the lightest touch of his thumbs. “Please don’t cry. Not for me.” 

“A little too late for that, don’tcha think?” 

Like the fool he is, Jaehyun lets the beauty of a man coax him into throwing all caution to the air. 

He leans in and presses his lips to the other’s in a teary kiss and Doyoung lets him, capturing all his indiscretions. He gives into the warmth of it. But more tears escape his eyes. 

Doyoung isn’t sure if a mistletoe kiss is enough to break the rust on the state of their relationship. He can only hope that some Christmas miracle gives him his beloved back. 

-

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this back in december and originally meant to publish it around christmas...which i then moved back to new years... and then i was hit with a truckload of impostor syndrome and burnout. i've still been writing a lot of random 3k or 5k word excerpts which don't really turn into anything more because i keep jumping from idea to idea and can't commit 
> 
> but i love writing, and thinking up plots and never think im enough so im just in FITE mode with myself. im all over the place rn so perhaps i will comeback with a solid fic later. i am also flunking chemistry so i probably should be taking a break until my exams are over. but oh well we'll see
> 
> anyways i hope u enjoyed this read heh


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